Tears flow down my face as i write in this stupid blog about my stupid pathetic life. Made some mistakes this week, due to recklessness and compiled rage but it seems that no matter what i do… I cant get her off my mind, shes stuck in my head mocking me or something i can never tell. I dreamed about her last night, holding her like i did before i left to become another person, a better one. But that dream ended with the only thoughts that fueled my rage since that fateful letter, of her passionately kissing someone else.. I tried to move on honestly, having sex with the females that wanted me, lowering my standards even just to remove the thought of her. Couldnt do dating ( because honestly how can a military member date someone when their moving a the time ) but went on dates many times, hell i even went on a romantic date with a model from san diego, who was by far the most attractive female ive ever met. But even she couldnt get her off my mind. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU STUPID BITCH. WHY DID YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME WHEN ALL I DID WAS BLEE MY HEART OUT FOR YOU, TRIED TO HELP YOU, AND FINALLY REALIZE THAT FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE I COULD LOVE SOMEONE, EVEN AFTER STAYING AWAY FROM IT FOR SO LONG, NOT EVEN UTTERING THOSE WORDS. But things dont go the way people want (at least the good people) they just keep getting fucked and betrayed and lied to by someone they trust. I should have fucking punched you when i had the fucking chance, NOT EVEN 13 HOURS OF BEING BACK HOME AND IM FORCED TO SEE YOU, AFTER ALL THAT SHIT. And theres just nothing there for me, but lies of friendship and kindness. I really thought i had found someone who loved me for me for once… Not just for looks or money or whatever the fuck people are attracted to. You still complain about people leaving you i bet like you always did to me, about how no one can love you for you…about some stupid destructive person you are. Go fuck yourself i hope you read this and know i never left, you leave all the good shit behind and play yourself as the victim. I hope you got over your old boyfriend but i think we both know your too stupid to know how…and i am As well. I am a fucking retard for even writing this. Its been shit almost a year and i still cling on to our memories together hoping that one day ill wake up with you next to me, patting my hair and saying stupid lines from shows, making coffee, which ill admit you were good at. Hugging me and laying on my chest. The stupid shit i thought id never do.. Fuck i miss you. And all youve done is lower your standards and do drugs. And to think i had something to do with that… Never thought of me once and im still writing… My ssgt told me that he was thankful for me owning up to my mistakes as a man and that my girlfriend would be proud. I told him i didnt have one anymore and he said tough shit on her. So i guess hes right? Im gonna stop now .